Why "Doing the Work" Still Leaves You With The Wrong Guy
Why “Doing the Work” Still Leaves You With the Wrong Guy
Can people really change?
I don’t mean simply learn or get better at learning strategies.
I mean radically transform.
As in: stop chasing chaos. Stop accepting “potential” for love. Walk away from the “almost” and the bare minimums. Stop trying to mold red flags into rose bouquets.
Lately, I’m starting to think the answer is…complicated.
I have a friend — smart, beautiful, wildly capable — but she’s married to the cycle of chasing the wrong guy.
We talk about the usual things:
He doesn’t make plans.
He doesn’t initiate conversations.
He only puts in effort on “sex nights.”
And when he does show up, it’s never enough to offset what’s missing the rest of the time.
She’s “doing the work,” or so it seems.
Reading the books. Following the strategies.
“Don’t be too available.”
“Match his energy.”
“Make him wait before replying.”
I don’t say this to judge. I say it because strategies are not sustainable:
We’ve been sold the lie that if we act a certain way, we’ll conquer love.
That power comes from withholding, playing it cool, keeping score.
But here’s the truth:
All those books that teach dating as warfare forgot the real battlefield is self-worth.
As her friend — not her coach — I tell her this:
When a woman is grounded in her worth, she doesn’t attract men who need to be convinced.
She doesn’t need to play games — because her energy already sets the standard.
And anything misaligned?
It falls away. Quietly. Effortlessly.
No struggle. No chaos. No rules. No second-guessing.
I learned this young.
Not from books — from watching women who didn’t explain their boundaries.
They embodied them.
Not because they were manipulative.
But because they were clear.
And clarity? That’s power.
The most magnetic energy isn’t “hard to get.”
It’s hard to forget.
Because it comes from deep, unapologetic, gentle self-awareness.
She nods. She takes it in. And then says:
“So when he texts tomorrow… how do I tell him I’m not available?”
And I realize: maybe we don’t change.
At least not in the way we think.
Avoiding “types” isn’t growth — it’s trauma steering the wheel.
When we build our boundaries around what we don’t want, we’re still living from the past.
We’re protecting wounds, not inviting alignment.
That kind of energy doesn’t attract — it repels.
It’s not expansion. It’s defense.
Real shift happens when we stop building walls out of fear and start creating space from clarity.
When we know what we do want — how we want to feel, love, be seen —
the entire energy changes.
You don’t have to block what doesn’t serve you.
When your energy is rooted in self-trust and vision, those things naturally walk past. They don’t even stick.
Can people change where they operate from?
I’m not sure.
But I do know people can return.
To themselves.
To their wholeness.
To the version of them that never had to fight for crumbs in the first place.
Ask Yourself:
Are you dating from strategy… or from truth?
Is your energy asking someone to stay — or daring them to leave if they can’t meet you there?
You don’t need to learn how to play the game.
The only game worth playing…
is how to make love fun.
Not how to make it happen.
