Not Your Mother's Feminism: Rediscovering the Subtle Magic of Womanhood

Part 1: The Problem - Women's Relationship Struggles

Part 1: The Problem - Women’s Relationship Struggles

I feel for the current state of women. I don’t know all women, but I am familiar with enough married, single, young and old who are not in touch with the power of their femininity, the essence of what it means to be a woman, and how to utilize it to their advantage.

Again, I don’t know all women, but the ones I know are good women; they are kind, loving, funny, strong, determined, committed, badasses, and miserable, alone, frustrated, and unfulfilled. How can this be, with how much they have to offer?

Then I hear the stories.

GB, a 25 year old co-worker. Beautiful, tall, slender, blonde, funny and smart, with a great head on her shoulders. She's dating a young man, also 25. They met through mutual friends and they hit it off. The texting was constant after the first meeting, and they started sharing each other’s location by the end of week one. In week six, they were going to a concert and stopped to get dinner. He was walking in front of her getting on and off the elevator. He walked slightly ahead of her when getting seated. He laughed at someone who tripped, and was rude and condescending to the staff, to the point where GB had to quietly apologize to the waitress, almost under her breath but mostly with her face. The rest of the date didn't go any better; he was loud, what GB described as “obnoxious” and according to her professional expertise, she diagnosed him with untamed ADHD with horrible manners. GB did discuss with him how unhappy she was with the entire trajectory of the night. He apologized; he “...didn’t know she was that sensitive,” nor did he know “...her sense of humor was different from his.”

After a few more of her examples, I casually asked if she had experienced this kind of behavior any other time when spending time with him.

“Yes!”

Of course, I knew the answer.

We continued on with the “tea” and what saddened me the most and almost took me by surprise, but not quite fully, was the fact that after seeing this young man for only 5-6 weeks, she was strategizing how she would maneuver any upcoming similar episodes of ADHD, disrespect, and lack of self control. All I could think was: we will be having this same conversation 10-12 months from now, but she will be completely in love, in habit, or pregnant, and then the way out will be as complicated as every toxic relationship we know, or have been in.

After some more gentle questioning, I was able to extract some deeper information that eventually led us to the question, “What part of the behavior triggered you and at what point in each scenario? What other times have you felt similarly disrespected, frustrated, annoyed and or dismissed?”

After some quiet thinking: “My stepdad! He… etc., etc., etc.”

It makes perfect sense, but for many of us, this isn’t anything new. It did catch her by surprise however, and I hope it gave her enough insight to investigate this way of being.

So, understanding when and where we learned to “put up with,” excuse, minimize, or fix what is so contrary to our being is important. But we all know this, there is plenty of research and literature to explain this, and it tells us how to fix it.

Some examples are: The Attachment Theory, where women develop insecure attachment styles in early childhood, which then leads them to accept similar treatment in relationships. The “Fawn” Response identifies people-pleasing and accommodating harmful behavior, and Dr. Bessel van der Kolk’s “The Body Keeps the Score” explains how we try to “master” past traumas by recreating similar dynamics, an on and on and on.

Many of my older, married, divorced and single friends have ‘been around the block’ enough to recognize their particular patterns, yet, they are still alone, miserably married, and or altogether lonely, whether they are in a relationship or not.

What does it take to release ourselves from these patterns, or a better question yet, why are women not successfully coupled, or successfully alone, even when recognizing and mastering their patterns and actively using strategies to improve their relationships?

My theory is, the art of being a woman is all but gone.

What exactly is the art of being a woman? And what definition is the right one? I mean, sure womanhood has evolved over the years, changed by successful gains of the feminist movement, and with all we know about human behavior and the intricacies of relationships, you would think we’d have it in the bag.

I don’t want to turn you off or make you nauseous, but hear me out - preferably with an open mind and possibility.

Women are no longer being taught how to utilize their essence, their power, their innate magic, their wit, their multitasking brain to their advantage. I believe that being a woman does require certain strategies. However, I want to be clear: said strategies are not about ‘training’ a man to diminish him or emasculate him. Rather, I want to point out a fundamental truth about human interaction: we all teach each other how to treat us through what we accept, encourage, and discourage.

This concept is backed up by plenty of research and literature too. Some examples are: Blau and Emerson developed the Social Exchange Theory in which people establish patterns of interaction based on what behaviors are reinforced. Skinner’s Behavioral Conditioning demonstrates how behavior is shaped through reinforcement, and Gottman reinforces that successful marriages are developed through establishing clear needs and expectations.

But my theory goes beyond these proven and valid psychological points.

The art of being a woman is subtle, quiet, and dare I say, one-sided. It is not about mutual boundaries, confrontational "calling out” of behaviors, scheduling relationship check-ins, or reducing the dance between men and women to negotiated agreements and explicit rules of engagement. While these are popular and sometimes effective strategies, I personally find them exhausting and from personal experience I can tell you that all those discussions leave a sort of residue in the relationship. My grandmother used to call this ‘little sac of pebbles’, and we want our little sac with as few pebbles as possible. I can also attest to the frustration and resentment these ‘effective’ strategies have on a relationship when they don’t work.

May I tell you a story before I keep going?.....

Next: "The Feminine Legacy - Learning from the Past"

In my next post, I'll share the unconventional wisdom my grandmother passed down about the true power of femininity, including the mysterious "big chapel" metaphor that shaped my understanding of relationships from age seven.

Thank you for spending time with me, let me know if this resonates, and if not, please let me know your experience, I would love to hear it.